The Moving On Letter(my version)

Dear You,

I told myself I would stop writing you letters. This is my last, I say good bye to my Save the Fish project, hoping that the fish may be saved without having to write you any more letters.

Despite all this, I still believe that you are my great love.

________________________________________________________
Tonight I finally realized what I failed to see for this past year. Enough is enough and that one can only take so much. I have constantly tried to get you out of my life and failed every single time because there was that tiny spark of hope that you'd still have feelings for me. I do not blame you anymore for all the times I felt like you needed me. You probably didn't need me at all and I just assumed that you did.

Tonight on our way home, I realized that I couldn't take this suffering any much longer. I would have to tell you sooner or later and it was approaching fast. I had a goal in mind though: that it didn't matter if I confessed to you or not as long as I knew I didn't want to be a part of this anymore and that I was through, I was through making a fool of myself. Tonight on our way home, I wished there were enough words to describe how our friendship was. I wished I could tell you how much I felt like you used me and that I got nothing in return, how much I felt so torn between moving on or keeping you as my friend. Tonight, I wished you could have given me a hug good bye because I know in my heart, I wouldn't ever be able to anymore. Tonight, I made the decision to finally move on and temporarily step out of your life.

In the past year, my confusion over this whole thing, whatever this was, lingered and never went away. Tonight, nothing devastating or harmful motivated me to finally let go of you. No, something inside me told me to STOP. Something inside me told me to stop being pathetic and that I was better than this. I am not saying that my love for you was pathetic. Of course not, in fact, no matter how many times I said I regret this, I know deep within my heart that I was happy that you came along and became a part of my life. I used to remember all the good stuff and failed to see the bad things in our relationship. Now, I see clearly.

I've always said that in order to get over someone, you had to get mad at him first so you could feel the anger every time you see him. At first, as I was pondering on this decision on our ride home, I was angry and then suddenly you said Goodnight and it faded away. I had to rethink twice the possibly good things you did for me and how you influenced me in such a way that nobody could ever have done. This past year, you have made my life crazy, happy, miserable, confused, ecstatic and sad. There are not enough words to describe how you changed me. I want to start by thanking you.

Thank you for missing me, although you may not say it often, you have ways to show it. Thank you for making me feel that I could give you comfort in your lowest of days. Thank you for sharing your books, movies and music with me. Thank you for letting me know you deeper like no one ever has. Thank you for all the secrets and the trust you gave me. Thank you for all the gifts and the letters that I know you were not compelled to give but gave anyway. Thank you for letting me be the person you could talk to when you're sick. Thank you for all the dinners, lunches and random meetings where we would laugh and reminisce testimonials and old bands/songs. Thank you for making me special on days that count. Thank you for being the person who I love getting surprises from. Thank you for letting me love you until last night. I cry as I write this paragraph, knowing fully well that I may never get to experience any of these things again, not this way again.

I failed to tell myself how many times you hurt me, starting with messages that were unreturned. comments that were uncalled for or the mere fact that I felt like you didn't care for me at all. You hurt me hundreds of times and I waived it off EVERY SINGLE TIME. The love I felt was stronger and no matter how many times I cried, in church or the bathroom or even in a tricycle for God's sake, I stayed. I stayed longer than I should have. I remember that night vividly, when I cried like I never cried before in public transportation at that. I felt so abused that night and you knew it and all you could say was, "Don't be sad. Thanks again!" No apologies because you knew I would forgive you anyway. I did, I forgave you every single time without you having to say sorry and apologize. I loved you so much that it hurt, resulting to waking up in the middle of the night and crying my eyes out or getting sick just to make you notice me.  This week, anger drove me not to even take notice of you anymore. I was hurt, still am. It was petty but one thing more that could happen and I'd break. I loved you so much that even I felt that the Janine I knew was slowly fading away. I had to stop and start telling you how you made me like this and how you hurt me or made me happy or I don't know. Something. I needed to talk to you but had no courage to do so.

I have thought of the many ways I could confess and in fact, I had one in mind already. I could push through with it or not, however, one thing is for certain. I am through. I have loved you enough and probably gave all I had. I'm sorry you couldn't see that.

You are still my great love. You may not have been the first, but you were everything to me and I gave the best that I could give. There are moments that nothing special or harmful has to have happened before you realize things you didn't see before. Now is that moment. You will always be one of a kind. I know I will probably never love as much as I loved you and that's okay. I am glad you were the person my heart chose to give its all.

I love you, but now, I'm ready to let go.

Day 23: Colors

Dear You,

Just when I thought I could accomplish one day without thinking about you, you showed up. You constantly do when I'm almost happy at the state that I am. Now you make me confused all over again and frankly, I don't like entertaining the feeling.

The colors of this picture remind me of how I was yesterday. I was probably free from your hook and line and I started to emit these wonderful colors! How exciting yesterday was! I was able to do things I'd never done before. Minor things, yes, nonetheless it was invigorating and exciting! However, I know the excitement died down once you decided to show up in my life again. Why do you always do that?

You are trying to make yourself a constant color in my life. Please don't try to do so. I might forget you are nothing but a tiny dot of color in my world.

Janine

Day 22: Relapse

Dear You,

I relapsed. I couldn't stop thinking about you for a week. I broke down to every song, every restaurant, every little thing that reminded me of you.

Today was a fresh new start. I felt like I didn't have to need you anymore and I started that with having my long hair cut. The hair cut that I dreaded for far too long and as I was sitting in the salon, while the stylist was asking me how long he was supposed to cut, I said, "Shorter. Cut it short. So short." I did not know that in my mind, my hair was a metaphor for you and I wanted you to get cut from the rest of me.

Despite this much courage, it frightens me that you already know what I am in your life: someone you can use and don't have to give anything in return. It scares me that you are certain of the duties that I should accomplish in your world: a mere observer, never a participant. I am someone you don't need but abuse anyway.

What's sadder than that?

It's the fact that I let you.

Janine

Day 15: Smile because I deserve to

Dear You,

Music has always been everything to me. One can even say that I wouldn't be able to live without music. The notes, the lyrics, the album art... these are the things that make me love music.

I remember how Leona Lewis was playing in Pizza Hut today. I came from church and I was extremely soaked by the rain because I didn't have an umbrella. Why I willingly let myself get wet in the rain is beyond me. Nor do I even know why I continued walking along Katipunan even if it was raining cats and dogs.

I also remember seeing myself crying in church today without a concrete reason. Maybe it was because I missed you so much? Or probably because I was (still am) mad at myself for being pathetic. Sometimes I feel like you never gave me strength.

2011 is my year. As Leona Lewis says, "Even though I really love you, I'm going to smile 'coz I deserve to. It will all get better in time. "

Janine

Day 14: Salt and Pepper

Dear You,

Recently I discovered that no matter how many similarities we may have, we will always remain different.


Like salt and pepper.

Janine

Day 13: Life's a blur

Dear You,

The blur is evident. I know nothing anymore. This week has not been good with you or the academic stuff. I happen to see you all the time and as blurry as this picture is, so is my impression of our friendship/relationship.

I want to see in focus. I want to know that I am not going to try to focus and unfocus our relationship or if we even have one.

I want to see clearly.

Janine

Day 12: Sweet Surrender

Dear You,

I want to surrender. I want to surrender.

You win.

I still love you.


Janine

Day 11: Grow, go.

Dear You,

If I were to be other than human, I would be a flower. Flowers are so elegant and beautiful. And then they wilt when their time has come or they're not given proper attention and concern. (I hate receiving flowers though)

The thought is fixed in my mind. Is this the year that I finally wilt and die? I hope only to rise and be given new life. Is this the year that I finally stop seeking the concern that you aren't willing to give? I will only feel like the abandoned pot of once beautiful flowers that you used to admire or so I thought. Did you give me anything at all for me to grow? Or was I just something short-term?

I have a lot of questions in my head but I don't want to ask anymore. I probably know the answers already, I'm just not ready to accept it.

Let me grow. Let me go.

Janine

Day 10: Time might heal wounds

Dear You,

Tonight, I counted how long it would take for our time together to finally end. My mind is in a haze tonight. Tonight, I did not want to be with you. I constantly tapped my imaginary feet in my head because I was impatient. I wanted this to end. I wanted to escape and move to a safe place. However, you are a safe place and I did not understand why I wanted to move somewhere else. Honestly, I was extremely not myself today.

Tired. I probably am just tired of you. My head says so. It's throbbing with pain now, not because of the migraine, but because of just merely thinking and being with you. You exhaust my body. You drain my energy. Without being conscious about it (or are you?), you drain me.

Lost. I am running around a labyrinth with an end in mind, to escape from your clutches. I just can't seem to find a way.

I thought time was my ally. Time would agree with me. Time would pity me. But where are you, time? Couldn't you go any faster? I need you and fast.

Time, "might" is not possible. "Will" is better. Please prove that to me.

Time WILL heal my wounds.

Day 9: The Cure

Dear You,

You remind me of food.  Not this particular one though,

I wish eating would make me move on from you. One bite of the spicy gambas will make me stop thinking about you so often. One bite of chocolate cake would tell my subconscious to stop having dreams about you. One bit of heavenly beef will make me get rid of my feelings for you. I wish food had that power over me. Instead, it just makes me fat.

More and more, I'm beginning to see that I probably should stop abusing food to encourage me to move on. Perhaps I should channel my eating energy somewhere else.

I hate that food makes me remember you more. Also, I hate you today.

Janine

Day 8: When you've got good company

Dear You,

I have the best set of friends to help me through this painful process. Letting go of you probably means stepping away from your world for quite some time. At least I know I have wonderful friends to turn to. I am thankful that they are there, always providing the support and concern that I crave from you. With them, I feel special and beautiful because I know you never made me feel that way.

In my heart, I know they can't fill the space you already occupy. However, I am grateful that they fill much more space with the love and understanding they give to me every single time. I wish you could have given me the same stuff.

I wish you could have given more.

Janine

Day 7: In a Different Way

Dear You,

I don't know what Fridays do to my brain. It's like I see you all over the place without actually seeing you. I hoped I'd see you today but of course I didn't. It's incredibly heartbreaking when I think about what I have to do as I am progressing with this project. Like what, you probably would ask. The New Year has started and I haven't saved any text messages from you. I used to adore reading your messages over and over again until I looked insane. Now, I can get by with erasing your messages.

At some point, I am wriggling away from your hook and line. I'm starting to feel a lot better and a lot worse at the same time. I am still confused and it probably would help if I distanced myself from you.

I am pouring out what my feelings are in this medium because I know no other way. Friends are always a good idea but I fear that they get fed up with me and the silliness that I've gotten myself into. So there.

In a different medium, I confess.

Janine

Day 6: Paris is Always A Good Idea

Dear You,

Recently I've been watching a lot of vintage black and white movies. I remember a movie I recently watched. Sabrina, starring Audrey Hepburn, is a movie that makes me think so much about you. Like Sabrina, I've been crazy in love with you for a long time. I've been watching a bit closer than Sabrina but nevertheless, I'm usually the audience, never someone who interacts with you all the time.

"Paris is always a good idea.", says Sabrina. Sabrina did not want to run from David. Instead, she was given the opportunity to. Like Sabrina, I do not want to run away from you. I am just waiting for the opportunity for me to finally move on and run on with life.

Sometimes, I think I'm selfish, selfish for making such a big deal about this. You probably think I don't even try to tap your feelings. I try to every time I get the chance. It's the only way I get to know you better and that you let me in. Most of the time, I remain shut out from your life.

Please give me the opportunity to run, not from you, but to run on with life.

Janine

Day 5: Change

Dear You,

I attribute what I am today because of numerous people who have been and still are in my life. Changes in myself can be traced back to people who have influenced me a lot over my 18 years. Let me say that you are someone who has changed me, definitely. However, I am not sure if it is for better or for worse. I have yet to think about it. It's funny that I actually believe that I'm more smarter now after knowing you. You, of all people, taught me life lessons that nobody could ever have, albeit you may not know it.

You are one of the reasons why I am who I am today.

Did this change make me better? In some ways, it did. This change made me realize that I'm wasting my time lining up for a ride but with the knowledge that I will never get in. Maybe I am just meant to be a spectator in your life, someone who's meekly watching. This change helped me understand that wasting my precious youth on someone who probably appreciates me but does not give the attention, love and concern that I deserve. This change made me recognize that I want to enjoy being 18, not cooped up in some fantasy on whether you're finally going to notice me grow up.

I am glad you brought out that change in me.

But I still love you and I hope that will change too.

Janine

Day 4: Captured

Dear You,

I captured you today. I'd have to admit that you caught me way off guard today. I ran, not because I didn't want to see you, but because I felt that it was the right thing to do.

In some ways, I feel like my feelings for you is like a roll of film. If I expose my secret love for you, it will destroy me and the good memories in me. However, if I never take it out of the camera, I will only keep my feelings to myself and lay there, unused. You are confusing me again and I allow myself to be rattled by you.

I am trapped in that little container, no way out. I will never be developed nor produce those wonderful pictures and memories I have. I want to become something else.

Maybe I want something different. Maybe I want someone who will actually help me develop. Maybe I want someone who will listen to me and not interrupt me when I'm speaking.  Maybe I want to be asked how my day was as opposed to it being you all the time.

Maybe I want to be cared for as much as I care for you.

Janine

Day 3: Thoughts

Dear You,

I thought of you again today. From the moment I woke up, your face was up front of my long list of thoughts. It doesn't seem right that I still think about you constantly while I am working my ass off to get over you. I've written you a million letters (in my head or in my notebook) and this one in the picture probably encapsulates everything that I want from you or from me.

1. Why did I fall for you?

You know what? I don't have a concrete answer to that. I told my friend that it was because you made sense when we talked and that when I don't have room for sense, you;d still entertain me. However, that probably isn't the sole reason why I fell for you. Even I don't get it. Let's just say you aren't exactly the person I thought I'd fall in love with. In my dreams, I wanted to fall in love with a down-to-earth guy, someone who was sensitive and someone who had a good sense of humor. Believe me, you aren't any of that. So how did I end up in this state? You don't care about me, so why am I here, pondering the reason why I fell in love with you? I am not sorry I fell for you though, no matter how painful it is.


2. Why do I still see both of us in my future? What makes me hold on? What makes me want to move on?

Last year, I've dreamt of myself with a family with you in the picture, contrary to what I tell my family and friends. It's just that as of now, I can't imagine myself with a family with anyone else but you. You probably want to vomit now because of the things I'm stating. I don't know what I see in you that makes me want to consider, no, desire a family with you because I've never even thought of these stuff with somebody else in the picture. What makes me hold on? If I said it was you saying my name, would you believe me? Or if I said it was your arm on my shoulder, would you believe me? Or if I said it was our funny telephone conversations, would you believe me? Or if I said it was merely the time we spend together, not even speaking, just looking at each other and laughing, would you believe me? Why do I want to move on? This love for you is so painful and I'm not getting anything in return. This love for you makes me feel pathetic because I assume (I probably know, but won't admit it) that you feel no concern for me. Why bother? It's painful because I can only assume, never confirm my feelings for you because I'm scared. I am terrified that you will not want to talk to me anymore and I lose you forever. I'm afraid of the incredibly long leap I have to take. I want to move on to stop being insecure about myself because that's how you make me feel: that I'm not enough, that there's nothing in me that you find adorable or interesting and most of all, that I'm not special at all. Masakit na masyado para ipagpatuloy ko pa ito. Ang sakit sakit na isipin na hindi ko malalaman ang tunay na nilalaman ng isip mo kasi takot na takot ako sa maaari mong sabihin. Hindi ko kayang pakawalan ang pag-ibig ko sa'yo pero ang sakit na. Kailangan na. Ayoko nang umiyak. Gusto ko nang makita ang Janine na maganda ang ngiti, hindi dahil may camera, pero dahil siya ay tunay na masaya. Alam ko naman na ako lang ang nagpapahirap sa sarili ko kaya ako na titigil nito.


3. You can never love anyone until you have learned to love yourself.

It's very cliche. But it's true. My self-esteem is so low that I need to find my old self. I need it back so I may be able to love other people who may want to love me back. I am beautiful even if you can't see that.

In my heart, I wish I could say I love you and end all the assumptions. I wish I could say I love you, to you, without expectations nor any hesitation so I can finally move on and get an answer from that lingering question in my head.

I love you but I want to move on.

Janine

Day 2: No meeting

Dear You,

As much as I'd like to keep pursuing what I think will make me the happiest girl alive, I will not. We will never meet halfway. I will always be the one going forward and maybe you won't even move at all to meet me. I will not bother anymore.

Thank you for remembering me last night. I could have sworn you wouldn't anymore. That makes it harder for me to finally move on but this picture reminds me of what I have to accomplish for myself this year. This project is not for you, it is for me.

I've endured sleepless nights just thinking of the what-ifs and honestly, after a while, I am exhausted. The energy emanating from my insides just isn't that bright anymore. However, with the energy that is still left, I would like to thank you with all my heart for letting me into your life. I'd still like to be in it. I mean who doesn't? In the meantime though, I'd like to distance myself from you so I can truly find what I'm looking for and stop making a fool of myself.

Janine

Day 1: Raise a Glass

January 1, 2011

Dear You,

It is cold outside and it's the start of the New Year. Somehow I have mixed emotions. I wonder why you haven't said Happy New Year to me or if you should. I still wonder if after all that we've been through 2010 if I'm still special to you.

I realized in 2010 that if I was going to get over you, I would have to do it now but gradually. I cannot just forget that smiles we've shared, the stories you told me or the simple gestures you've done. This will be very hard but I am determined to write you a letter every single day to remind myself that I may as well have to get over you because this isn't good for me. I will try to save myself, a fish so that I may be able to meet other fish and avoid your hook and line from reeling me in yet again. I am tired and frankly, I don't want to give a damn about you anymore.

So I raise a glass to this project and to you, a person who I will never forget but will move on from. I love you and I'm sorry.

Janine