Dear You,
I relapsed. I couldn't stop thinking about you for a week. I broke down to every song, every restaurant, every little thing that reminded me of you.
Today was a fresh new start. I felt like I didn't have to need you anymore and I started that with having my long hair cut. The hair cut that I dreaded for far too long and as I was sitting in the salon, while the stylist was asking me how long he was supposed to cut, I said, "Shorter. Cut it short. So short." I did not know that in my mind, my hair was a metaphor for you and I wanted you to get cut from the rest of me.
Despite this much courage, it frightens me that you already know what I am in your life: someone you can use and don't have to give anything in return. It scares me that you are certain of the duties that I should accomplish in your world: a mere observer, never a participant. I am someone you don't need but abuse anyway.
What's sadder than that?
It's the fact that I let you.
Janine
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