Day 3: Thoughts

Dear You,

I thought of you again today. From the moment I woke up, your face was up front of my long list of thoughts. It doesn't seem right that I still think about you constantly while I am working my ass off to get over you. I've written you a million letters (in my head or in my notebook) and this one in the picture probably encapsulates everything that I want from you or from me.

1. Why did I fall for you?

You know what? I don't have a concrete answer to that. I told my friend that it was because you made sense when we talked and that when I don't have room for sense, you;d still entertain me. However, that probably isn't the sole reason why I fell for you. Even I don't get it. Let's just say you aren't exactly the person I thought I'd fall in love with. In my dreams, I wanted to fall in love with a down-to-earth guy, someone who was sensitive and someone who had a good sense of humor. Believe me, you aren't any of that. So how did I end up in this state? You don't care about me, so why am I here, pondering the reason why I fell in love with you? I am not sorry I fell for you though, no matter how painful it is.


2. Why do I still see both of us in my future? What makes me hold on? What makes me want to move on?

Last year, I've dreamt of myself with a family with you in the picture, contrary to what I tell my family and friends. It's just that as of now, I can't imagine myself with a family with anyone else but you. You probably want to vomit now because of the things I'm stating. I don't know what I see in you that makes me want to consider, no, desire a family with you because I've never even thought of these stuff with somebody else in the picture. What makes me hold on? If I said it was you saying my name, would you believe me? Or if I said it was your arm on my shoulder, would you believe me? Or if I said it was our funny telephone conversations, would you believe me? Or if I said it was merely the time we spend together, not even speaking, just looking at each other and laughing, would you believe me? Why do I want to move on? This love for you is so painful and I'm not getting anything in return. This love for you makes me feel pathetic because I assume (I probably know, but won't admit it) that you feel no concern for me. Why bother? It's painful because I can only assume, never confirm my feelings for you because I'm scared. I am terrified that you will not want to talk to me anymore and I lose you forever. I'm afraid of the incredibly long leap I have to take. I want to move on to stop being insecure about myself because that's how you make me feel: that I'm not enough, that there's nothing in me that you find adorable or interesting and most of all, that I'm not special at all. Masakit na masyado para ipagpatuloy ko pa ito. Ang sakit sakit na isipin na hindi ko malalaman ang tunay na nilalaman ng isip mo kasi takot na takot ako sa maaari mong sabihin. Hindi ko kayang pakawalan ang pag-ibig ko sa'yo pero ang sakit na. Kailangan na. Ayoko nang umiyak. Gusto ko nang makita ang Janine na maganda ang ngiti, hindi dahil may camera, pero dahil siya ay tunay na masaya. Alam ko naman na ako lang ang nagpapahirap sa sarili ko kaya ako na titigil nito.


3. You can never love anyone until you have learned to love yourself.

It's very cliche. But it's true. My self-esteem is so low that I need to find my old self. I need it back so I may be able to love other people who may want to love me back. I am beautiful even if you can't see that.

In my heart, I wish I could say I love you and end all the assumptions. I wish I could say I love you, to you, without expectations nor any hesitation so I can finally move on and get an answer from that lingering question in my head.

I love you but I want to move on.

Janine